Pratik Gupta CNOo9ZMBqRM Unsplash

Give Me Escorting Over Online Dating Apps Any Day

I have a handsome, kind, funny male friend. He really would like to find love but there are certain rules to his dating game that quite frankly, have me stumped. They are:

  1. Never ask a woman for her number. Let her come to you. That way you know she’s keen and you don’t make a fool of yourself.
  2. Don’t have more than two conversations in the first week – they will get bored of you.
  3. Never respond to their messages straight away – looks desperate.
  4. Coffee date is always the first date – why spend money on dinner if you may not see them again.

And so it goes on.

Needles to say, he is still single.

What I want to know is, when did it all become so bloody complicated? Believe it or not, despite my journey into the adult industry, I am the most old-fashioned, traditional person I know.

I’m a firm believer that if a man likes you, he’ll ask you out. If he doesn’t, he won’t. If you don’t hear from him, or you need to chase him, he’s not that into you honey. Simple as that.

My relationship history is a bit like an episode of ER; pain, tears and a whole lot of trauma.

Now, in my mid 40s, I’ve grown to love time alone. Now, I’m single. I am good at being single. I like my own company and have no qualms about travelling, eating or going out alone. If someone appears in my life, they would need to enhance it, not because I need them. And they have to be better company than my dog.

And I most certainly do not chase men.

And when you’ve spent the best part of a decade getting paid a lot of money to have dinner with men as their companion, dating to me is like working for free. I don’t date, I am practically celibate (no joke), and the last man to sleep in my bed was two years ago. Quite simply, I refuse to be a free vagina for any man.

Don’t laugh, it’s true. When a man pays you a handsome fee to be in your company, why on earth should I spend a few hours of my time with some bloke who just wants a root and who will probably ghost me after?

Before you judge the fact that the sex is transactional, and therefore ‘wrong’ – wait a minute. What the hell do you think marriage is? Give and take is another expression for I’ll do this for you, you do this for me. Most end up miserable when one side of the party stops giving, and the other keeps taking.

And don’t lecture me on morals – haven’t you ever been on Tinder?

Escorting for me is the perfect way to date without the games. He contacts you, you agree to meet, you have a nice time, he donates a fee, you leave, have a nice life and Bob’s your uncle!

No stinky socks to pick up from the floor, no rolling your eyes and nose when he farts (clients ALWAYS hold it in), I don’t have to sit through sport on TV, and in turn, they don’t need to put up with me either. We get the best of each other in an hour or two, and then I never have to see them again.

Now, escorting is not everyone’s cup of tea. But when you’re older, wiser, lived a little, lost a little, had a career, kids, and don’t want to marry… who can be bothered with the game-playing dance of dating?

My needs are being met just as much as my clients’  – companionship, connection and intimacy. On my terms.

And then, we disappear into our own lives. No expectations, no crushing disappointment. And more importantly – no games. Now that’s winning.