Couple sleeping in bed

Shhh Sweetie… I Don’t Pay You To Talk

Yes yes YES! Ohmigod YES!! No sadly I am not in the middle of a When Harry Met Sally orgasm, but I am screaming in agreement at Vanessa de Largie’s brilliant piece recently on how women want sex not romance.

Absolutely bloody spot on Vanessa! And I will tell you why.

For those that don’t know me, I have both pedicured stilettoed feet firmly planted in Australia’s sex industry. I left my journalist job to become an escort (cue: shock! Horror!) and not only did I like the transition, I bloody loved it.

I wrote a book about my journey (Hooked by Samantha X), outed myself on telly, and two years later, am now madam to my two escort agencies — one for women and one for men. And let me let you into a little secret.

The female clients who book my Samantha X Heroes don’t shyly ask for sex. They bloody demand it. They unashamedly specify that they don’t want flowers, dinner and a massage. They want a bloody good root, and not much else.

My Heroes can cook for you, take you for dinner, wine and dine you — but nope. That service has never been requested. The women that book my men just want sex. Pure and simple. And, the dirtier the better.

I have even had to give a female client a refund recently. She saw one of my male escorts and when I called her to see how her experience was, I could sense the disappointment in her voice.

“He was lovely, handsome and sweet,” she said. “But there was too much talking — from him. He spent most of the time either talking or massaging me softly.”

Too much talking? This would be hilarious if I didn’t cost me $600 in her refund.

I won’t quote her verbatim but I got the message loud and clear. She wanted hardcore sex but instead was delivered romance.

Another female client booked one of my boys to spend the night with her. The poor guy called me the next day exhausted. He was up all night — so to speak.

These women are career women, over 35, smart with money and horny. They spend all day at work talking, and then spend all evening talking to their friends. They read magazines and watch chat shows. They share until the cows come home. Throw a hot guy into the equation (and their beds), we know when to shut up.

But here’s the thing. As someone who deals with client requests daily on the phone — actually hourly — I know what they want. They tell me all the time. And from the men — this is what I hear:

“I want a lady who will have dinner with me and have good conversation with followed by intimacy of course. But I am looking for more than that …”

Or this classic from a lovely gentleman in Perth.

“Samantha please help me — I am trying to find a decent escort here in Perth but the ones I book always just want sex and nothing else. Is there anyone you recommend that enjoys conversation just as much?”

In my hey day as an escort, I could count on one hand the hardcore sex sessions clients wanted — but I could name you 100 restaurants they’ve taken me to, or the thousands conversations we have had, or the zillions of holiday photos they’ve showed me. High-class escort? Nope. I am an overpaid psychologist.

I’ve had more men ask me for the Girlfriend Experience than the Porn Star experience (I don’t think blokes even know what the latter means to be honest).

I remember once walking into a hotel suite and the client had asked hotel staff to scatter red rose petals across the bed, had run me a bath, with a cheese platter and bottle of bubbly perched by the side. We then spent the next few hours discussing the book he was writing.

I offer a 4 hour dinner date — at $3,000 — and that is always the most popular request.

I find it really sweet when a client will be in bed and instead of wanting to get my kit off, he sits up and plumps up the pillows. “So where in London are you from? My sister lives in North London… terrible bloody place… the traffic there these days..”

Or once — and this always makes me laugh — I turned up at a booking, ripped my clothes off expecting unbridled passion. It had been a while since I’d had sex and was looking forward to a steamy encounter…

The client gently asked me to put my clothes back on and foraged around in his briefcase. ‘Would you mind terribly signing a copy of your book?’ he asked earnestly, handing me his copy. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you for months since I saw you on TV. How has life been since you went public?”

Don’t get me wrong — men want sex too. Sex is always a part of the job. But in my experience, it’s not a quick blow job in the back of their car they’re looking for. It’s the romance they’re trying to find again. The connection.

Women? We are a little bit easier to please. Ask how our day was. Pour us a glass of wine. And then be quiet.