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The Secrets You Want To Know From An Escort, Revealed

I am writing this from a beautiful yoga retreat on the south coast of Sydney where I am taking a break from my job, my clients, my daily humdrum and from being Samantha. I haven’t washed my hair for three days and the only makeup I bought with me was my eyebrow pencil. (I was a bit too aggressive with the tweezers over Christmas).

It’s not something I do for myself very often, and to be honest, being trapped in a cabin out yonder with 15 other Lululemon wearing women I’ve never met isn’t necessarily my idea of heaven, but it is a break, and god knows we all need one after last year.

I always get a bit nervous when we all sit down for (another) dish of lentils, and the conversation comes up about what we do for work. While the others are talking about their family business or something equally as socially acceptable, I sit there wondering what to say. Usually I say ‘author’- (‘oooh what have you written?’) or ‘journalist’- (oooh what do you write about?” or do I just bloody well tell them I left my nine-to-five job and became a high class escort the age of 37?

Nine times out of 10, I tell the truth. I am a journalist-turned-escort-turned-author-turned-madam.

Then what I find is, 10 out of 10 times, the women are absolutely fascinated. Once they know this very normal looking, non-intimidating (honestly) 40-something woman with the over-plucked eyebrows sitting opposite them is a ‘woman of the night’ they excitedly reveal their secrets: the affairs, their boredom, their husbands’ lack of affection and intimacy/drug issues and so on.

And, of course, the questions start; Yes, I still escort (my line is ‘if men are dumb enough to pay my prices, I’m smart enough to take it) and yes I love what I do, and no, the men aren’t ugly or scary or weird, and yes I have always felt safe and yes I pay tax and….

I asked the amazing ladies I am lucky enough to have met on this trip the top three questions they want to ask an escort and this is what they told me:

1) What do men want?

2) Could I be an escort? I am too old and my body isn’t perfect.

3) How can I be an escort in the bedroom?

So here goes (disclaimer: in my experience only):

The needs of men are simple. 

Very simple. They want to be appreciated, fed, loved and desired. They want regular sex. They don’t want to be nagged too much. Tell them what you mean, don’t play games; they won’t get it.

Like a puppy, reward good behaviour. Successful relationships aren’t about having the perfect partner, but about understanding each other’s needs. Once you get that men aren’t that complex, you’re in for the home run. Not too old and no perfect body required (thank god) 

I’m 46. I have cellulite, scars, wobbly bits, and these bloody patchy eyebrows now. Men don’t give a crap. Am I too old? Honey, I’m just beginning! Age means life experience, wisdom, imperfections, warmth and self-confidence, and that to men, is far more alluring than a size 6 body on a 19 year old Brazilian.

Of course, there is a market for the bouncy backpacker, but in my experience, age and maturity weighs far more than a butt you could eat your breakfast off. My fees get higher as I get older. I know what men want, and I am confident enough to know what I want. Compassion and kindness are heads and shoulders over a wrinkle-free face believe me. Could you do it? You need to be mentally strong, have self-confidence and be able to control any situation.

Turn the lights ON, take your clothes OFF, talk about what YOU want and laugh. Feel confident enough to share your secret desires, talk dirty, role play. Don’t focus on what he wants, tell him what YOU want (that is the biggest turn on for any man). Don’t fake an orgasm, let him work for it! That will give him more pleasure. Love your body and worship his. Men don’t want or expect kinky sex – I’ve yet to meet a client that has asked for that. They want fun, laughter, foreplay and cuddles.

So there you go. I do all of that for money, you do it for a marriage. But at the end of the day, it’s about two humans having their needs met. And while you marvel at my job, I marvel at how the hell you manage to stay married…..a discussion for another time!